Should You Get a New Pet After Loss?

It’s the question everyone seems to ask after pet loss. But while there's no universal right answer, there are some simple questions worth asking yourself before you decide.

It’s almost an inevitable question after you lose a pet: “When will you get a new one?“

It comes from well-meaning family and friends who want to see you happy again.

It comes from curious coworkers and nosy neighbors.

And sometimes, it’s something you ask yourself in the middle of the night as you try to work out how to move forward.

Like everything related to pet loss grief, there is no universal right answer. But here are some things that might help you navigate the question.

If It Feels Like Being Punched In The Face...

Imagine running a grueling marathon, all 26.2 miles, in biting wind and icy rain, to the point where your body is stretched past all limits and your mind cries out in agony with each step.

Also, the finish line keeps getting pushed back.

That’s what pet loss feels like to some people.

And so getting asked if you’ll find a new pet is like being told to sign up for another marathon when you’re still trying not to die from the first one.

I’ve overheard people in this stage say things like,

“Never.”

“I can’t go through that again.”

“It’ll break me for good.”

“I could never love another pet the way I loved this one.”

And all of that might be completely true for you right now.

But I do think that instead of saying never, it’s equally true and maybe less defiant to take the Scarlett O’Hara approach: “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

It leaves you space to ask yourself the question if the timing ever feels right, but also allows you the freedom to put that thought aside.

If It Feels Like Something You’re Obligated To Do…

A tricky road to navigate following heart-breaking pet loss is the way other people in your family feel about getting a new pet.

Maybe you were closely and lovingly connected to the pet that passed, but your family didn’t share that connection.

Maybe it was an older dog that you raised and adored for 15 years, but your young kids only knew him as a creature that snored a lot and wobbled when he walked.

Maybe your partner never liked your cat and is now really excited to get a new kind of pet, even as you navigate profound grief.

Absolutely, it’s tricky if you’re grieving hard and those who live with you don’t relate. But I would caution against getting a new pet simply because someone else in the family wants it.

Instead, give yourself a lengthy runway.

Saying something like, “I acknowledge you’d like a new pet. Maybe a new pet is in our future. And I would love to have three months to grieve and process all of this.”

The benefit here is that three months is a really long time (especially to kids), so it makes it clear that this is not a conversation you’ll be ready to have next week or the week after.

Ideally, they quit asking, knowing that you’ve expressed your desire for a solid amount of time to mourn.

If it’s your kids who are insistent, possibly putting a date on the calendar for when you’re ready to talk about it is something that would give them a more concrete way to approach the topic (it tells them you’re willing to have the conversation, just not yet).

I think at the end of the day it’s really a matter of honoring your own feelings and making sure you’re in a place where you’ll be ready to give love and care again without resentment and without feeling depleted.

If It Feels Like Something Your Other Pets Need...

In my opinion, this is the hardest question of all to navigate in the midst of pet grief. I think it’s absolutely true that pets mourn each other, particularly if they were a bonded pair or grew up together.

When I lost my soul dog, Koda, my other beloved pup, Sydney, grieved hard. I was so lost for the first month or two that I didn’t even notice.

But then it became clear to me she had lost weight. She rarely wagged her tail. And she just seemed blue all the time. That’s when I started looking at rescue sites for Cavaliers. (Sydney and Koda were Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.)

It was unlikely that I would be picked to adopt a rescue because I had small children at home at the time, but one miracle led to another, and Owie came into our lives relatively quickly. He was another tricolor Cavalier, just like Sydney.

Of course, Sydney did not appear to appreciate him at first and eyed him with the wary ambivalence of a mama bear watching an approaching male.

But interestingly, she perked up.

She began to eat again (maybe so Owie didn’t get her food first?).

She began getting up to greet me at the door again (maybe so Owie wasn’t the only one who got attention when I came home?).

She started snuggling with me on the couch again (maybe out of jealousy that Owie was also next to me?).

I don’t really need to know whether her new behavior was born out of a competitive spirit. The why didn’t matter.

What did matter was that she slowly came back to life and eventually played with and snuggled Owie on her own. I do firmly believe that Owie saved her. He helped me in unexpected ways as well, even though getting him wasn’t exactly my idea and I hadn’t felt ready.

I guess the take-home here is that sometimes the decision is out of your hands. In those cases, I encourage you to just open yourself to the possibility that good might come out of a new adoption even though you can’t yet see how.

So at the end of the day, when it comes to navigating others’ questions about whether to adopt a new pet after pet loss but not feeling ready, the trick I’ve found most useful is to simply acknowledge what the person is saying.

Something like, “I hear you. Thank you. Maybe.”

And then go about your day, give yourself the care and timeline you need, and be open to what may come next.