Why Losing a Pet Can Hurt More Than Losing a Person

It sounds taboo to say out loud... but the research backs it up. And understanding why pet loss is so painful might finally give your grief the room it deserves.

There’s something a lot of grieving pet owners think but never say out loud. They keep it locked inside (I know I did). There’s guilt. It’s this:

Losing my pet hurt more than losing some of the people I’ve loved.

If you relate, you are definitely not alone and you’re not a bad person and you’re not selfish or broken or weird.

Grief researchers have lately been studying this phenomenon seriously. What they’ve found actually makes complete sense when you look at the nature of the bond we have with our pets.

The Pet Relationship Is Something Else Entirely

Think back on what your day-to-day life with your pet actually looked like. Chances are good they were by your side constantly from the time you got up until you came home from work, school, or any other activity.

They were there on sick days… on lazy Sunday afternoons… throughout weather events and holidays and flu season and everything else that happens in normal daily life.

But more than just being there, your pet was always glad to see you. Not just some of the time, not even most of the time, but every single time, without exception, without condition.

Can you think of a human in your life who models that?

Don’t get me wrong — human love is beautiful. And it’s complicated. We have histories with the people we love. There are old arguments that were never fully resolved and weeks where we were too distracted or too caught up in our own challenges and stresses to show up the way we wanted. There were expectations, disappointments, unspoken feelings, and all the things that come with having a relationship of any kind with anybody.

But your pet?

Your pet didn’t bring any of that. What your pet brought you was constant, consistent, uncomplicated, beautiful, loving presence every minute they were with you.

Dr. Julie Axelrod, a grief therapist who has written about pet loss, describes the human-animal bond as uniquely non-transactional. Your pet asked nothing of you except your presence.

When you, as a human, receive that kind of love, fully and repeatedly through the years, it shapes you in ways that are profoundly painful to say good-bye to and genuinely hard to grieve.

And when that connection and adoration disappear from your home, your routines, and your life all at once, you feel the absence in every second.

That Pain You’re Experiencing? It’s Backed By Research

But here’s where relieving validity enters the picture. Research shows that this type of grief really is comparable to losing a person in your life. Going back to the early 1990s, Dr. Mary Gerwolls and Dr. Laura Labott published findings that show grief symptoms experienced after pet loss were equivalent in severity to those following human bereavement.

Not kind-of-sort-of-like-it, but analogous. Equal.

A 2022 study in PLOS One found that people who had lost dogs showed significant depressive symptoms, and that the intensity of grief correlated directly with the strength of the human-animal bond. What didn’t correlate was the pet’s age or how long they might have been ill before passing or any other factor for that matter.

It was the bond that very accurately predicted the grief.

There’s also a phenomenon researchers call “broken heart syndrome.” It’s a documented increase in cardiac risk in the days that immediately follow a significant loss. Your chest literally aches, and it’s brought on by an actual physiological cause.

The research also shows us something else: people who felt most bonded with their pets — who described them as a central source of companionship and emotional support — showed the most intense grief responses.

And while, yes, it’s pretty obvious that it’ll hurt more if you loved more, this also shows us that how much the relationship mattered is measurable by the emotional effect it has on you.

The reason people question this is because of the disenfranchised aspect of pet grief. Most people think it’s not supposed to hurt as much as it does.

But consider that if your emotional bond to your pet is measurable, and if that bond is massive, then your grief will be massive. It all makes sense.

The Hidden Challenge In Finding Support

So if you’ve been minimizing your own grief because it was “just a pet,” then please hear me clearly: The connection you had was absolutely real. The loss is real. The pain is directly proportionate to how much you loved your pet, and you don’t have to justify any of it to anyone.

Part of the reason I was so traumatized when I lost my little soul dog, Koda, is that the grief was so big I didn’t understand it. I was afraid to talk about it with anybody because he was my dog. I didn’t think anybody would understand. I thought I was maybe a little too emotional or too sensitive, or it was because I had small children who’d used up all my emotional reserves.

Basically, I came up with loads of ways to discount my grief.

And I want to be clear that it wasn’t because I didn’t have amazing and supportive people in my life. I was surrounded by wonderful family members and friends who were empathetic to my loss and sympathetic to other things I’d been through, and who likely would have been safe for me to go to.

But I’m the one who chose not to go to them because I’m the one who thought my grief was ridiculous.

I don’t know how they would have reacted. I didn’t give them the chance really to see me in my pain.

Looking back, I’m pretty sure not a single one of them would have called me silly or made me feel less than because I was still struggling. They probably would have helped me considerably had I just been able to open up.

But being vulnerable is not necessarily celebrated or taught in our human culture. (Though I think it should be… we’d all be a lot happier knowing we’re still lovable in spite of our fears or weaknesses.)

So please give yourself the gift of acknowledging that your pain is valid, that it deserves oxygen, and that there are loads of people out there — probably in your daily life and definitely in this community — who are happy to hold your hand and support you through your sadness.