The Searing Pain of Losing a Pet

(That Nobody Talks About)

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” — Anatole France

Think back over the list of highs and lows in your life… what stands out?

If you’re like most humans, the highs were punctuated by joy and giddy pleasure. Probably you had others in your life who believed in you, who lit up at the sight of you.

The lows are the opposite. Those were times you didn’t, or couldn’t feel good. Maybe you failed at something, or made bad choices. Maybe things outside your control were hurting you.

And during those low times, people who believed in you or stood by you were few and far between.

The thing about being human is that our number one desire is to feel worthy. To feel loved. To feel like we matter.

That looks different for different people. You might be thinking, “No, my biggest goal is to be happy.”

Or kind.

Or rich.

Or to make a difference.

Or to feel pleasure.

Or achieve massive success.

But really? These are all different versions of worthiness.

The Greatest Gift

That’s why giving someone the gift of worthiness, making them feel seen and heard and valuable and special, is the greatest gift you can give.

You see it in parents who love their children despite their mistakes. This gets magnified when those children grow up and fail in the world. The gift of acceptance and a restart from their family means everything.

You see it in teachers who use self-fulfilling prophecies on difficult children. The repeated mantra to a child that they are smart and capable gets internalized. Multiple studies have tracked how kids then step up and actually do better.

You see the same trend in scores of other places, from religious leaders who preach forgiveness and second chances…

To executives who take junior staff under their wings.

Because to have someone believe in you is to be gifted the greatest gift: worthiness.

Where Grudges Don’t Hold

Our pets are mostly dependent on us, so it follows that they’d feel joy when they see us. To them, you walking into the room might mean a treat or a walk or a scratch under the chin.

But what about those times when we fail our pets? Maybe you, like me, have on occasion forgotten to feed your pet, or didn’t do it till super late because you chose to go somewhere or do something else.

Maybe you ran out of treats. Maybe you decided to skip the walk in favor of Netflix.

Maybe you didn’t realize the symptoms of a sneaky disease until it was too late.

Or maybe you had to make the choice to put your sweet pet down.

And through it all, you still received unconditional love from your pet. Grudges don’t last years like they can with humans. A single failure-to-show-up instance from you is quickly forgotten.

So quickly, in fact, that the next day, same as always, you’re greeted with a wag of the tail or a furry headbutt up against your legs.

Grief That Runs Deeper Than Loss

The thing about pets is that they give us pure, unconditional love and a sense of worthiness. It’s the simplest of bonds, and generally more emotionally consistent (and certainly less complicated) than our human relationships.

So when that steady source of love and connection goes missing… it can feel like losing your anchor in life.

Grief, of course, shows up with the loss of anything important to you.

But pet grief is particularly painful because that unconditional love and pure sense of worthiness are gone.

Surprise-Pain That Astounds

This is just the top-layer explanation for why pet loss hurts so much. There are many other aspects of this unique class of grief, and we’ll talk about all of them in the coming weeks and months.

Just know that if you’re struggling not only with the grief of pet loss but also with the astonishment at just how painful it is…

Your grief is valid. Your loss runs deep. And you’re not alone.

If this was useful…

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What’s been your pet loss pain experience?