The ‘Just-A’ Problem: How To Handle Invalidating Comments About Pet Grief

When people say, “It’s just a dog (or cat, or horse, etc.)” following pet loss, it cuts deeper than they realize. Find out why those minimizing comments sting so badly and how to weather them graceful

If you have or had a pet you adore… and if you’re an animal lover in general…

Then I would bet the following phrase rankles your soul: “It’s just a [insert animal].

Just a dog. “You can get another one.”

Just a cat. “They’ve got loads more down at the shelter.”

Just a ferret. “Seriously, it’s a rodent. Why would you care?”

Just a horse. Just a bunny. Just a bird.

It’s maddening, right? As if the profound bond you felt for a creature can be minimized into something you’d feel for a coffee mug.

At the heart of it, it’s like saying your love and your pain don’t matter.

But also… I suspect that the people who say those things don’t understand what they’re really saying.

So today I want to talk about how you can flip those just-a comments on their head, and why you should make the effort.

Minimizing Comments Hit Harder Than Most Realize

A growing body of research shows that the bond we humans can have with animals is just as emotionally significant as human relationships.

This is magnified for anyone who is single, isolated, or lives alone. For anyone living with previous unresolved losses (human or animal), the effect is significant as well.

It’s not rocket science. The more connected you are to your pet, the more intense your grief will be when that pet is gone. Just like with humans. Connection predicts pain.

We get this. It’s common sense. You’re going to grieve your best friend a lot harder than your neighbor down the street.

But when we’re talking about animals, some people really don’t understand this. They may see animals as one and the same. As if the cat you’ve adored and cared for the last 18 years can be switched out for the stray that’s been roaming the streets.

We don’t need to hate these misguided people. It’s not even helpful to feel sorry for them.

What does help is to consider that they just don’t know. For whatever reason, they’ve never had an animal connection in their lives. Maybe their parents weren’t pet people. Maybe they never saw this kind of connection modeled.

So it helps to acknowledge they simply don’t have what you have, or had.

• They may never have had a dog who was their confidante or daily companion.

• They may have never known the routine of riding their horse in the lazy afternoons as the shadows grow long.

• Maybe they never had someone in their lives, human or animal, who was a source of complete emotional safety, who helped shape their identity and gave them a purpose.

• Maybe they’ve never had years of shared history and caregiving with a single loving being. Or a source of unwavering support throughout all the ups and downs of life.

And so with that perspective, instead of getting angry or indignant, I find it easier to just hold space for the unfortunate people who invalidate pet grief.

They just don’t know what it means to love and be loved that completely. I hope someday they will.

How to Handle Invalidating Remarks About Pet Grief

But while we can recognize and let go of those misguided comments, it’s still a problem.

However misplaced or even (oddly) well-intended their words are, that kind of social invalidation and lack of support around pet loss just, well, hurts.

Also, it can push you into a place of feeling more intense grief. It might even make the grief last longer.

Why? Because it keeps you from wanting to open up and talk about it. Stuffing down grief and feeling alone in your sadness makes it all loads worse, to the point where you’re at risk for health complications, from insomnia to depression.

So if you’re ever in a situation where someone else has invalidated your grief, here are a few ways to respond:

First, name what’s happening. This is my grief. My feelings are valid.

Then take a moment to breathe deeply. Ground yourself by looking intentionally at something in the room. Listen to any sounds present. Touch something nearby, and note what you feel—maybe it’s the plush fabric of a chair or the cool surface of a table.

Decide whether the hurtful comment is worthy of a response. If it’s a friend you see regularly, then probably so. If it’s a store clerk you’ll never see again, maybe you save that energy.

You get to decide.

If it feels right to respond, try the following:

“I’m really grieving them. They were family to me.”

“I know it might not seem like a big deal to you, but this is a huge loss for me.”

“I get that you don’t feel the same way, but please respect that this is very painful to me.”

Or, you could choose not to engage. Instead, you might just say to yourself, “I loved my pet deeply, so of course it hurts. So-and-so just doesn’t know. They never had this beautiful bond.”

Next week, I’ll be talking about all the places you can get validation. More places than you might think—it’s very heartening!

For now, I’m curious—what kinds of invalidating things have people said to you when you were grieving a pet?