There’s a particular kind of day that shows up every October.
The light goes thin… the house gets quiet in a way that it wasn’t in July.
And you start to notice little things that weren’t getting to you before. Maybe that’s the absence of a leash by the door, a blanket nobody’s claimed, or a vacant heater vent where somebody used to plant themselves the second the weather turned.
Fall isn’t a welcome parade of colors when you’re grieving a pet. Instead, every falling leaf and every wilting garden plant echoes the end of life.
Maybe, anyway.
But fall doesn’t have to feel heavy, even if it makes you think of your lost pet more than usual.
Maybe for you, the cooler air and the pumpkin-spice-everything are your favorite time of year. So if this season doesn’t bring up harder memories of your pet, that’s okay. Celebrate and savor whatever joy you feel.
But if instead, you’re feeling weighed down on those heaviest of days when loads of things outdoors have met their end, it can hit hard. Especially if it’s your first autumn without your pet.
So here are some ways to navigate those colder, suddenly harder nights.
Name the Fall Routine You’re Missing Most
Autumn is commonly marked by a shift in routines. The daily walk comes before dinner instead of after. An extra blanket goes on the bed. The whir of the heater becomes the comforting sound you start the day with.
It’s cozier than summer. Less get-out-and-go and more snuggle-and-sip.
And if you had a lovey, cozy, snuggly companion who isn’t walking the change of season with you this year, it makes sense for you to be thrown for a loop — even if you thought you were reasonably past your grief.
So first of all, go easy on yourself. Try to let go of any frustration at going backward in your mourning, or feeling suddenly weaker.
Because it’s not backward or weak to feel your feelings all over again.
It’s resoundingly human (albeit irritating).
Ignore any comments from the outside world wondering how you could be sad about this again. And maybe don’t voice your thoughts unless you know it’s to someone who’s in a place to fully acknowledge and accept your sadness.
Because if you haven’t gone through fall without your pet in years…
Or if it’s been years that you’ve been missing them, especially in fall…
It’s just a hard time. And that’s okay. Give yourself a hug. Take a hug from me: [[[(((<<<>>>)))]]]
Reshape for a New Anchor
Here’s what I invite you to do: Find the thing that’s hardest to think about, and rewrite it.
For me, that would be remembering how much my little dog Sydney loved to play with fallen leaves. Normally a stately, calm, watchful dog who didn’t bother with toys, something bizarre happened if I tossed crisp fall leaves in the air in front of her. It was as if she turned into a puppy again, leaping and soaring, twisting and turning, always chomping at the leaves as they fluttered around her.
I loved it so much.
I miss it so much.
And so now, every fall, I toss a handful of leaves in the air for her, as I think about her. Just to remember that moment.
Other ways you can reshape your fall traditions:
Rewrite the sensory experience. Change the route of your dog walk if that’s what you’re missing. Pay attention to the way the walk smells and to the crackle in the air. Maybe you’ll notice the scent of apples, or the cry of a bird you don’t normally hear in the summer.
Create a new routine. Maybe you’re missing the fall evening snuggles because it’s cool enough to put a blanket on your lap at night. Sit down with the blanket anyway, but light a pumpkin-scented candle beside you. Think about what you loved about the old routine, and then add something new to it.
Treat someone else. Possibly it was the fall menu in your kitchen you loved best — the transition to hearty stews and deep-dish pies. If tossing scraps into food bowls put a smile on your face, maybe keep tossing them, but instead put them outside for the birds. Or just think back with a smile about the excited wag of the tail or the gentle padding of feet when they heard the scraps hit their bowl.
All of these approaches give you a new anchor to embrace. It becomes something you can turn into a ritual every autumn. It still folds in the memory of your pet… but also gives you a new perspective.
Add Their Name to Fall Art This Week
The most important thing here isn’t to ignore your grief and try to move on because “it’s been long enough” and you’ve got to get on with life.
Instead, how would it be to bring them into fall with you? You could set your pet’s photo where the morning light now lands.
Or share a story about them, like when they had a leaf stuck to their head or refused to go out in the cold rain.
You could put a small marker in the yard that you’ll see as you come and go, or put a candle in the window, or put their collar back up on a shelf where you’ll see it every day even if you were able to take it down not so long ago.
If you have kids, let them decorate for the season with a nod toward your beloved departed pet. Maybe a tiny pumpkin by the door with their name on it. Or a paper leaf on the wall with one thing you each loved about them written on it.
This is how you keep love and memories alive.
And honoring over forgetting is always a better path to take.
So whether it’s the walk, or the blanket, or the scents of the season, pause and do the sweet work of remembering. Or if you feel called to, let yourself just cry or sit in sadness while you miss them fiercely.